Important Post · Spiritual Musings

Destroying The Wall: Opening Up About My Practice

Well that was pretty fast wasn’t it?

It’s not gonna be easy to write this post. A lot of people will likely completely write me off and I think I need to be fine with that already. I’m pretty new to the WordPress community so I don’t know like… the whole history of certain bloggers and their reputation. All I know is blogger The Wytch of the North gave me the strength (unintentionally?) to write this and drop my walls finally. Through her posts, I felt Woden’s presence and the comfort and strength to finally move forward. So, without further a due…

I’m undergoing spirit/shamanic illness

There. I said it.

If you all don’t believe me that’s fine and I really don’t care anymore. The people who do are the ones who will matter the most in this journey and I refuse to give power any longer to a community that highly abused me emotionally + gaslighted me consistently over the past few years.

I knew this was happening to me for a long while now, but it wasn’t until very recently I finally got professionally vetted (as mentioned in my previous post) by a legitimate shaman practitioner of an unbroken, indigenous tradition that I highly trust. I just won’t give out names for the privacy of all involved for the time being. What I do know is this is really happening to me and has been for years. It’s not fun and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I had absolutely no say or choice on whether I wanted this or not and it was confirmed I was chosen by my gods and ancestors since birth to undergo this. I received a lot of abuse from the neo-pagan community because my spiritual experiences were not “mundane” enough for their liking. When I spoke out, I was bullied further. I’m not giving you all power over me anymore…

The next step for me is initiation. If I don’t do this, my sickness with worsen and strike harder than usual. Both my friend and my deities reassured me I will find a teacher very soon. It’s only a matter of playing the waiting game.

I’m still sick with a flu so I’m gonna write more on this subject another time. Just for now… I had to finally stop hiding. Woden gave me the strength to write this post and for that, I feel I’m doing the right thing. Uh… if anyone reading this knows this is happening to them and is experiencing similar? my heart and email are open to you all without judgement. I don’t CARE how weird or abnormal your spiritual situation might be. NO JUDGEMENT. You can find my email linked above this blog.

Comments are moderated.

Be well.

-Ulven

 

 

Spiritual Musings · Book Haul

Altar + Book Haul #2 and Musings

Soooo there really isn’t a whole lot going on in my spiritual life at the moment (that I’m willing to openly discuss yet anyways…) but in light of last weekend, I treated myself to some new goodies and I wanted to show off 😉 so have a look at my “wéofod” a.k.a “altar space” and some books I got this past week!

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Please do not repost/share without asking me!

To the very right of this post is the shrine to my household deities, “Woden” and “Frūa”.  I love to make my space fancy as fuck usually, but I decided to go for a simpler yet more…”rustic” inspired look here. Note: the rabbit hide was obtained/made in a humane manner and bought off etsy. I haven’t found time to consecrate the skeleton key sitting on Frūa’s lap yet, but hopefully I’ll make a brief post on that when the time comes! The key represents Frūa’s role as my “hearth goddess” and gatekeeper.

 

 

Next up is my big book haul! Half were bought off Amazon (I know, I know) and the rest from a new age store in Maryland I believe called “The Crystal Fox“. I’ll be completely honest that this was my second time browsing a new age shop. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m just not a fan of them. Nothing personal. Regardless though, it was time well spent with a wonderful friend! I attempted to buy so many incense sticks and oracle decks there but I ended up biting off a tad bit more than I could chew financially. Naturally they all were given back to the store owners but it’s not like I walked away empty-handed!

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Really hoping to eventually dig inside these books once this nasty flu decides to fuck on off. I’ve felt like complete hell since coming back home… But I feel I’ve gotten the “essentials” so far. At least a good starting point to Saxon Heathenry and english folk magic. I’m too physically tired to list and link these books right now, so Ya’ll will have to bare with me

 

Uhhh what else? shits going down in my spiritual life that was professionally vetted. (By “professionally” I mean an initiated practitioner of a living, indigenous tradition.) Anyways, I’ve talked to a few very close friends about the matter already and have surprisingly gotten a ton of support (thank you guys!!) but it’s really just… not something I’m comfortable sharing with the public right now. Probably not ever. I don’t really know. The fact I’m scared (and relieved) is a good way to sum it up. I’ll be alright I think. My Gods and Ancestors have faith I can do this so I need to have some faith in myself too.

Hope everyone is well.

-Ulven

 

Spiritual Musings

Post Weekend Catharsis

(NOTE: Scandinavian spellings will be used for the names of my deities in this post)

Sometimes things don’t work out the way you wanted them to. However, how one handles disappointment is what truly defines their strength and character as a person. This is what I learned about myself this weekend.

I won’t go into any detail of what happened or what is eventually meant to happen. However, to make it short: my deities were preparing me around over a year for a major life-changing opportunity. Odin ultimately decided I…wasn’t ready and things didn’t turn out the way they were initially planned. He did what he did because he felt it was the right choice for everyone involved, especially me. For that, I hold no anger towards him. It’ll happen another time but right now… I still have a lot of growing to do and I’m ok with this. I came home this weekend with a smile on my face and a positive outlook towards the future.

There is naturally much more to this story that I really don’t feel comfortable openly discussing. When things didn’t work out the way Freyja and I wanted this past Friday, I admittedly was left confused and slightly distraught. I was also on literally no sleep and extremely overwhelmed. Fighting back tears was futile. Despite it all? not ONCE did I ask myself “was this all just a big fat lie?” I was so shocked to discover that despite everything, I maintained my faith. While Odin decided things needed to take a different course this weekend, I truly got something out of this experience. I NOW finally realize just how strong of an individual I really, truly, am.

I’m…genuinely extremely proud of myself.

So to wrap this up, there’s more going on that what was written in this post. I won’t talk about it and only a very special few will get to know the juicy details. This weekend was disappointing. BUT… I’m genuinely excited to see what happens next.

My journey is far from over.

 

On a final note: I promised my gods no matter what happens this weekend, I would maintain my love and devotion to them. I’m really genuinely proud to admit that I kept my word…

-Ulven

 

 

Music

A Song of Relevance…

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
Book Haul · Spiritual Musings

Looking Back + A Small Book Haul

I’d be lying if I said my spirituality didn’t change my life in a major way. This past year 1/2 has been nothing short of incredible for me spiritually. And while it came with a lot of struggle, heartbreak, grief, and trauma… the experiences I have had will stay with me forever. The first cycle of my journey is finally coming to a close this week and I guess the best word I can use to sum this up is “euphoric”. I wish I could share with the world what I have personally experienced, but unfortunately some things are just better kept a secret.

My faith is (almost) completely intertwined with my life and inherently a huge part of who I am now. It wasn’t something I could escape either. I tried running. I ran for four years but eventually I no longer had anywhere else TO run. The last and only option I had left was acceptance. Accepting my path and my gods has completely rebuilt and transformed me into the woman I am today and I don’t regret it one bit anymore. Without going into major detail like I’ve attempted in the past, I was not exactly treated very well by the online spiritual community. Because of this, I made the choice to leave and likely never come back. This was a hard pill to swallow for me and a consistent hurdle I had to jump through this past year emotionally. I gained a lost many friends and cut toxic people of out my life. I’m finally happy to say that after tomorrow, none of this will matter anymore. And no matter what happens, the past is the past and deserves to be left there. It’s only a matter of me picking up the scissors and cutting the thread that attached me to it…

Sorry to have been so vague in this entry. But I need a way to discuss my feelings+gratitude without dumping out some very private spiritual circumstances. Pardon that please.

I’m so thankful for the love, generosity, and compassion my deities (Frūa, Woden) have always given me. Outside from my parents… I have never in my life experienced so much genuine love, loyalty, and kindness as I have with my gods. They really are my “extended family”. I am truly blessed and humbled t have them in my life. I didn’t think so for a very long time… oh how times change.

I have much confidence this weekend will be a success. I have some natural and healthy doubts/skepticism that I have confided in Frūa about. The advice she gave me (through my cards) in the long run was both helpful and inspiring.

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My own personal, classic, “Rider Waite” deck

 

Why I need to get this reading: Now is NOT the time to doubt. Even though it will creep up and try to take you down, you must reign over it with confidence.

What Frūa is trying to tell me: You have worked so long and hard for what is coming this weekend and now it is time to finally enjoy the fruits of your labor and the rewards they bring. Indulge and enjoy yourself. You earned this.

Advice Frūa is giving me: The moment you hop on that (literal) train, you must leave your past behind forever. Leave behind your past IN THE PAST and never come back to it. You’re going towards a brighter future and you won’t regret it.

Outcome if I take her advice: “Success in an endeavor is indicated by this card, and rewards given for good efforts” (the book description for 6 of pentacles pretty much speaks for itself)

42869642_726576984373657_2973845418858774528_n(1)As for the book haul, I bought two off Amazon recently to start diving into my Anglo-saxon heathen studies. I’ve come to realize that while my personal practice has been highly based off UPG and ecstatic experience… I really need to start getting more academic in my approach as well. My “philosophy” is that a spirituality is incomplete without knowledge of its history and roots. The Books purchased here are “Travels Through Middle Earth” by Alaric Albertsson and “Looking For Lost Gods of England” by Kathleen Herbert. I look forward to reading them and hoping to review them eventually.

Until then… Safe Travels.

-Ulven

politics

#NotMyHero

While this post is based on a hashtag started by a blogger I enjoy, Sicilian Cunning Craft, around a year ago… it’s still sadly relevant right now even if the situation is slowly improving. I realize I’m a day late. Better late than quiet.

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I’m admittedly a proud Italian-American woman on my father’s side of the family. While I also fully admit I wasn’t raised in the diaspora (or any diaspora for that matter) based on research and observance, much to my dismay, many Italian-Americans celebrate their heritage on Columbus Day. I won’t be. Nor will I ever.

As Italian-Americans, it is our duty and responsibility to stand in solidarity with Indigenous Peoples of North America instead of celebrating a day where they were massacred, defiled, slaughtered, and stolen from. As Italian-Americans, where we come from a culture that family is valued and cherished… it’s time to start welcoming our indigenous community members as extended “family” and giving them that courtesy they deserve. As Italian-Americans it’s time we work towards abolishing a day built off the suffering of others instead of using it as an excuse to celebrate “heritage”.

If Columbus Day makes you proud to be Italian… then I want no part of it.

Italians. Do you really want to be proud of that?

 

 

 

Introduction

An Introduction

I’m debating how long I’ll keep this blog open for due to reasons I can’t openly discuss. Worse comes to worse, I’ll eventually set it to “private” but we’ll see I guess. I don’t like writing in physical diaries since I have zero patience for it. Plus my handwriting is pretty awful…

I named this blog “The Age of Gods” because I inherently believe the old gods are coming back in the limelight once more. They never truly left us, it was only a matter of time we as humanity “came back”. In my personal dealings through the deities I work closely with, times are changing and myths are being told and created once again. I’ve always held dear the idea of “modern mythology” and we today… are the new myths unfolding. Regardless if you prefer to keep your stories public or private – record it. Hopefully one day future generations will find them and see the Gods never left and were always REAL, present, and active in our day-to-day lives.

The fact my gods have truly changed my life is a vast, vast understatement. I wish I could talk about it openly. Maybe one day. But for now, my story is locked away from the world.

More to come…